Official guide to opening biscuit cans

A friend's recent post reminded me of something. There are two types of people in the world. Those that hate opening biscuit cans and those that don't mind. I am in the party that doesn't mind. Or at least is made to not mind. I have the title of "biscuit can opener, man of mystery". I have a badge that says so. Ok, no I don't. But I think it is kind of fun. The suspense, the mystery. Will the can open nicely when you first start unwrapping the paper? Will the can not open after all the outer paper is off and you have to hit it on the counter or poke it with a knife? Will it open gently and take all the drama out of the event? These are questions that must be pondered if you are to take on the title of "biscuit can opener". It is a heavy responsibility, but someone has to do it. There should be hazard pay, but I'll let you in on some "biscuit can opener" secrets.

Secret #1: Keep your tongue within the confines of your teeth and close your mouth (or at least make your teeth touch). I have found that this is a great method for any suspenseful situation, such as when the music picks up or a door opens slowly in a movie. If you don't, you might bite your tongue when you jump. I've done this once, hence, the remedy. Just make sure that you are focused on the task, because it's a little embarassing to hold on a conversation with clenched teeth. People tend to wonder what is wrong with you.

Secret #2: Squint your eyes. Not only does this make you look cool and show everyone how this task is the most dangerous in the world, it lessens the distance for you to blink when the can pops. It may also provide that extra millisecond for you to get your eyes closed so you don't get the rare, but painful condition of "biscuit eye". Or, you can use ppe (personal protection equipment) such as safety glasses, ear plugs, facemask, or gloves. Boy, that would look cool.

Secret #3: Pull the paper off quickly. Just get it over with! This is like pulling a bandaid off. If you do it slowly, it hurts longer. Just pull the pin and throw. Oh, wait, that's real grenades.

Secret #4: Call your grandma and ask how to make biscuits from scratch. Sure it takes more time, but then you don't have to open any biscuit cans.

Secret #5: Conveniently be "busy" or not at home when the biscuits need to be made. Just be aware that you may have to turn in your badge, and gun too.